Is Spontaneity The Secret To Lasting Relationships?

They say familiarity breeds contempt. It seems unfair that the closer you get to someone, the more you begin to understand their unique quirks and traits, the risk of becoming less interested in them grows. So, how do you keep the spark alive? By finding moments of spontaneity within the routine.

The human mind craves novelty

It’s not that routine is a bad thing - research doesn’t suggest we should keep our partners on their toes by never allowing any patterns to develop. But our desire for new things and the pleasure we take in discovering them is human nature - a part of human nature we’ve worked hard to suppress, with highly structured jobs and home lives. Our curiosity is what has enabled us to learn, adapt, and survive for so long. As Nicole Dean of Brain World Magazine puts it, “our adventurousness was rewarded with a dose of dopamine along with greater chances of survival”. 

So not only is actively seeking new things a part of being human, but experiencing them releases mood-boosting chemicals into the brain. Maybe this is why Americans are starting to shirk the traditional work week, and even seem to be warming up to the idea of non-monogamy. However, there are ways to have new experiences with the same person - if you’re willing to put the work in.

Relationships become boring if we don’t nurture them

Year seven is one of the most common times for couples to split. In a TikTok where she breaks down the reasons behind the common break-up years, counsellor Kim Pollinder explains the seven-year itch is usually down to stagnation. Things have stopped happening - you are no longer moving forward together, and maybe not even as individuals. Maybe date nights have stopped happening, maybe you’ve already hit the exciting milestones (moving in together, getting married) and have “nothing” left to look forward to. What happens next?

“If you don’t make time to nurture your relationship, it will slowly degrade over time,” say Mike and Jessica Coster of Doing That Married Life. You need to retrain your brain to devote the same time and energy to your partner as you did when you first started dating, where every meeting meant a possible progression in your relationship - because even though it may feel like you’ve hit a wall, you never have to stop progressing.

“Why not seize the pleasure at once? – How often is happiness destroyed by preparation, foolish preparation!” - JANE AUSTEN

Making plans to be spontaneous is one thing. Actually acting on your ideas is much harder. Work, kids, financial restrictions - there are dozens of things that can prevent you from letting your whims guide you. But if you can afford to spend the time and money, your relationship will undoubtedly benefit.

Sylvia Smith of Cosmopolitan suggests a change of scenery. Either a vacation or a smaller-scale staycation could provide the break in routine that you’ve been missing, and quality time spent away can cast your partner in a new light. Going somewhere new will be a first that you can experience together, and can create new memories for you to look back on.

Unexpected gifts also count as acts of spontaneity that can trigger feel-good chemicals. Don’t leave presents till birthdays and anniversaries - surprise your partner with something to show they were on your mind. It can be as simple as thinking of you flowers, or their favorite candy - if you see something you think your partner might like, why not act on impulse and spread some love.

How you can “automate” spontaneity

Don’t overcomplicate introducing spontaneity back into your relationship. You might find the idea of being spontaneous to be daunting, especially if you suffer from anxiety. Not everything has to be a spur-of-the-moment decision that leaves you charging into the unknown.

Why not sit down together to write out a list of activities or experiences that would be easy to do on short notice, and pick one at random on days when you both feel like you could do with a change in routine? Similarly, you could decide that once a week you should try and pick up a small random gift for your partner - this could be anything from a shell you’ve found on the beach, to a bottle of wine to go with dinner. It’s okay if you have to set boundaries in your spontaneity in order to feel comfortable.

If you know your partner loves floral arrangements and waits patiently each year for their birthday flowers, why not shake things up with a monthly flower subscription? Not only does this guarantee beautiful romantic flowers delivered straight to your doorstep every month, but the arrangement will be unique each time - the perfect example of injecting spontaneity into routine. Order flowers from French Florist by 2pm for same-day local delivery across Los Angeles.